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“Mommy, I can’t find any socks!” Joshua shouts from upstairs.

“Look in one of the baskets downstairs to see if you can find any!” I shout back up to him.

“Okay Mommy!” Joshua cheerfully replies.

My heart sinks, butterflies begin in my stomach, my anxiety rises, and guilt sets in. “I am a horrible mom who can’t even keep up with the laundry,” I think to myself.

Before CRPS, it made me happy to clean. I took pleasure in doing the laundry. I enjoyed cleaning the house. I was a homemaker. I was a housewife. I was a stay-at-home-mom. Keeping the house tidy, clean, and organized, was my job. It is what I took pride in. I felt accomplished after I had cleaned the bathroom, or organized a closet. I found pleasure in deep cleaning the baseboards and making them look like new. I found happiness in finding new ways to clean the kitchen that were “non-toxic”. I got excited making my own “all-purpose-cleaner”. I enjoyed vacuuming three times a day to keep the floors spotless. I found my identity and purpose in cleaning. I LOVED to clean!

Now, I pass by baskets of laundry and feel nothing. I haven’t helped with laundry in a few weeks. I have passed by these baskets of clean laundry and dirty laundry and felt nothing, and I have done nothing. I have just left them there. My husband has been doing the laundry. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband who does the laundry, and he does not complain. He doesn’t say a word to me. Sometimes I wish he would. Would that jolt me out of my depression? Would that make me feel something when I pass by all the baskets of laundry? I’m not sure.

Who am I if I can’t clean a house? Who am I if I can’t at least do the laundry for my family? What is my worth? I can’t work and provide some type of income for our family, and now I can’t even perform my regular duties as a homemaker. These are the questions I wrestle with everyday since becoming disabled with CRPS. I sink into deep depression somedays.

It is hard for me to get around the house most days. The pain is so great. We have a 2nd floor in our house. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have been able to scale the stairs to go up there. How am I to clean half of our house when I can’t even get to it? It is maddening. I feel trapped. To feel so close. I can see it, but I can’t get to it.

Even in the midst of my depression, I have hope. What is that hope? It is Jesus Christ. It is Immanuel which means “God is with us”. God is with me. He is my Hope.

This past year in BSF, I studied the prophet Elijah. Growing up in the church I had always heard of the great things that Elijah did (1 Kings 18). Like how when he was living and serving in the days of King Ahab and his queen, Jazebel, who wickedly introduced Baal worship to Israel. Elijah challenged the false prophets to a battle of the gods between Baal and God. Elijah built an altar to God, dug a trench around it, and ordered water to be poured over it. Then he prayed a simple prayer, and God answered Elijah’s prayer and sent fire to consume the sacrifice, altar, and water. The false prophets of Baal couldn’t get Baal to do anything proving that God is the One True God. The people worshiped the Lord, and everyone knew that God’s hand was upon Elijah.

What I never remember learning in church growing up was the next part. As soon as Queen Jezebel got word of what happened, she sent a message to Elijah that she was going to kill him. Then, Elijah ran for his life, out into the desert, away from civilization, out into the wilderness alone. He sat under a juniper tree and asked God to take his life. (1 Kings 19). Wow! This prophet who had just been apart of an amazing miracle by God, he was now deeply depressed. So depressed he wanted to die.

Elijah was human just like me. He got depressed just like me. He felt defeat, loneliness, fear, depression just like me.

But God was with Elijah just like God is with me. And the ending of Elijah’s story is truly one of the greatest in the Bible. (1 King 19- 2 Kings 2). God has shown me in His Word that He is greater than my depression. God is greater than my pain. He reminded me that he sent his son, Jesus Christ, who experienced all the pain and brokenness of the world when he was here on earth. Reading Psalm 34:15-22 was a comfort to me. It reminded me that my Lord cares for those who trust in Him.

This past week God reminded me that my identity is in Him. I am a Daughter of Grace. I am precious in His sight. I am not worthless. He loves me with a love I will never be able to truly comprehend, and that gives me PEACE. He showed me through reading His Word that my purpose is to know Him, seek Him, worship Him, glorify Him. It is not in how many laundry baskets I can empty, or how clean I can keep my house.

I know my depression will probably be a daily struggle now that I am in so much pain. I also know that I can REST in HIM who gives me strength. I know that God will be with me through this struggle every step of the way, and all I need do is depend on Him. That gives me HOPE!

Verse of the Day

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18 ESV

Bible Study for Depression

This is the current Bible Study that I am working through for my depression.

My Favorite “All-Purpose-Cleaner” Recipe

In a spray bottle (I use this glass bottle I found on Amazon), mix equal parts alcohol with equal parts water. Then, add 5 drops of dish soap, and 15 drops of your favorite essential oil.

It’s January 14, 2023. For 14 long days, I haven’t been able to get out of bed because the pain is too great. Staring at the four walls in my bedroom, taking all my meals in bed, and trying not to move a muscle for fear of setting off the pain. Trapped.

Paul rented a wheelchair for me. “A wheelchair,” I think as I try to wrap my head around that concept. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined having to use a wheelchair, but I wanted to escape these four walls, so I stuffed my pride deep down inside me and agreed to use the wheelchair.

“Where do you want to go?” Paul sweetly asked.

Somewhere far away that I have never been too, and where no one will know me or recognize me I thought. “The Dallas Farmers Market,” I replied.

It was settled. The next day we were going to venture out to The Dallas Farmers Market, and I would be using the wheelchair. There was a stall that I was excited to try out. It had fresh British pastries. I have a bit of a confession. Before I was disabled with CRPS, I had never really noticed how well places were laid out from a disabled person’s perspective. Oh, how my eyes have been opened.

Before CRPS, I will shamefully admit that I was annoyed at all the handicapped parking one finds in front of establishments. Now, I pray that we can find one. On the following day the 15th, we were able to find a handicapped parking spot. My stomach did a deep dive as I got out of the car and sat in the wheelchair out in public for the first time. As Paul rolled me down the ramp, it felt like everyone’s eyes were looking at me.

In reality, I think most people that we encountered that day were mostly annoyed. They cut in front of me, and I would almost run into them. They would zoom around us, heads buried in their phones. I realized that I was an inconvenience that slowed people down and possibly got in their way. The worst was when Paul rolled me up to the British pastry stall. The owner didn’t even look at me, or address me as if I couldn’t talk. She only spoke with Paul. When I spoke up and asked some questions, she stepped back with a shocked look on her face. She still never made eye contact, but she rattled off the answers to my questions lightning fast and moved on to her next customer. There was another younger woman working the stall that kindly talked to me, answered all my questions, and who I finally bought a few things from.

After we wondered through the outside stalls for a bit, we decided that we wanted to go inside and find something to eat. This was our first encounter with a door using a wheelchair.

Doors … Oh My! I have walked through them thousands of times without ever thinking about them. Maybe only if I pulled a door when I was supposed to push would a door give me pause before I went through it.

The first obstacle was keeping the door open while Paul rolled me through it. The wheelchair I have is a transport wheelchair, so it is difficult to operate on my own, it is really design for another person to push it and transport you from point A to point B. Paul had to figure out how to hold the door open and then push me through it at the same time.

The second obstacle was getting over the threshold of the door. First, Paul just tried to push me over it and quickly realized that wouldn’t work. Next, he had to turn us both around, hold the door with his back side, and pull me backwards over the threshold and through the door. Oh, and did I mention that people were getting annoyed that we were having such a difficult time getting through the door.

Finally, we made it through the door, but I was so embarrassed. Luckily, I have the most amazing husband who wasn’t the least bit embarrassed and thought our getting through the door was an adventure! There were so many people, and I just wanted to find a table where Paul could park me in the wheelchair, and then he and Joshua could go find something to eat! We lucked out and found a table quickly. “Safe,” I thought to myself. Joshua stayed with me and Paul got us something to eat. We all ate lunch and then we were ready to make the long journey back to Celina, But first we all needed to go to the restroom.

Doors… Oh My! The restroom inside The Dallas Farmers Market is NOT wheelchair friendly. It’s just not. It’s like a maze to get inside where the stalls are with sharp turns and a very narrow hallway. I got stuck. I know. It was humiliating. But, there was a young woman who came to my rescue. She handed me her drink to hold and she said, “Hold on we got this!” She also spoke Spanish and spoke to the ladies that were cleaning the restrooms because the only handicapped accessible restroom was locked with a sign on it saying it was broken. She got the ladies to open the Door to the stall, and I was able to use the restroom. She then rolled me back out of the restroom! WOW!!! I thanked her profusely and she was so sweet and told me that she was happy to help. I don’t know what I would have done if that young woman hadn’t helped me! I’m so thankful.

My experience with Doors has taught me humility. It has reminded me of the gospel and how I can do none of it on my own. Only by God’s grace am I saved through faith in Jesus Christ. Faith that Jesus died for my sins and God raised Him to life on the third day. I can do nothing to earn my salvation or keep my salvation. It is all God. Just like when I am in my wheelchair and can’t get through Doors alone. It is only in Christ Alone!

And that gives me Hope! I have hope that God always provides. He has provided me with a loving husband who is loving, kind, and takes care of me. He provides me with people who help me when I need help or pray for me when I am having a really hard day full of pain. God is with me. He is faithful. He gets me through. My life might not be how I had envisioned it. But it is beautiful.

Quote of the Day

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” – Dutch Proverb

Current Bible Study

The Attributes of God by Kristin Schmucker

You can find the study here @thedailygraceco.

Current Free Online Seminary Course

I am currently taking a free online seminary course at Dallas Theological Seminary about the Names and Attributes of God. It is completely free and there is no homework. It pairs really well with my Attributes of God Bible Study that I am also doing. You can enroll here. If you enroll, please let me know. I would love to form an online discussion group about the Attributes of God.

Favorite Hymn This Week

“In Christ Alone” by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend

Listen to it here.

I am sitting in a pew in the very back of the church hoping and praying nobody notices me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. A beautiful young woman in the church comes right up to me with a beautiful smile across her face. I shrink back into my seat hoping the pew will swallow me whole and maybe she will just pass me by. She opens her mouth, and I start sweating. She asks me the question I have been dreading. The question that keeps me at home. The question that I don’t know how to answer.

“How are you doing?”

My mouth goes dry, my palms start sweating, and I honestly don’t remember exactly what I say to her. I think I say something like, “That is a loaded question…” or something else that I am sure sounded stupid at the time. The beautiful woman was very sweet and said she was praying for me. I immediately hated how I had answered the question. I wished I had just told her I was good. I worried that she thought I was rude. I wished that I had just stayed home.

I honestly don’t know how to answer that question.

I am an honest, genuine person. When I worked as a public school teacher for 13 years, it got me in trouble so many times because I am not good at lying or being fake, and I am defiantly not good at school politics. Anyways I digress. Since my nerve injury I am in constant pain. On the scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst pain that you have ever experienced in your life. I am constantly at a level 6. That’s were I live. It isn’t good. It’s a struggle everyday. And often times I am at a level 8 and even 10. Sometimes it’s unbearable. How do I tell someone this?

I recognize that most people ask this question and don’t really want to know how you are really doing. They are just being polite. But, for someone who is a genuine person, I would like to give a genuine answer. So, I have decided that I would answer the question with, “Today is a good day.” Because God has shown me in Lamentations 3:22-24 that every morning that I awake is a new mercy from God and that He is faithful, and His love never fails, and I will put my hope in Him. So if I am able to be out in public it is a good day.

Know that behind that answer I am fighting. I am fighting to walk. Fighting to stand. Maybe I can’t walk or stand that day, and I am having to use my wheelchair. I know people will stare at me, and I will feel like a freak in my wheelchair, but I am fighting that anxiety to go out into the world and answer that question! I feel safe at home where no one asks me, “How are you?” or “Are you so much better?” or “Why are you in a wheelchair?” or “Why are you using a walker or cane?” or where no one stares at me like I am a freak. I have real social anxiety now. Therefore, I have just been staying at home where I feel safe. It is so hard adjusting to my new life with chronic pain. CRPS has changed my life. But I know God is good and has a reason. Because Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, I live with Hope!

Quote of the Day

“We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Book I’m Reading

Seeking Allah, Finding Jesus – A Devout Muslim Encounters Christianity by Nabeel Qureshi

You can buy the book here on Amazon.

My Favorite Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

I love a good chocolate chip cookie, so I am always looking for a great chocolate chip cookie recipe. This one by Joy Food Sunshine is my favorite right now. Check it out and let me know what you think!

I’m 43 yrs. old and on September 7, 2022 I underwent vein surgery on my right calf. The surgeon damaged my lateral cutaneous nerve in that calf, and my life forever changed. Before the surgery, I was very active. I walked 2 miles a day. I ran all the errands for our family. I kept our house nice and clean. I did the laundry, cooked, took my son to and from school, did the grocery shopping, etc… I was very independent. Now, sometimes I can’t even get out of bed, and I depend on my husband and sometimes even my seven year old son for almost everything. Now, I can’t drive, walk down the street, or even walk just for fun. I can’t clean the whole house, cook, do the grocery shopping, or even drive my son to school.

On December 27, 2022, I saw a foot doctor. Even though, I was not seeing her for my nerve damage, she decided that she knew what would cure me of my pain, and that was Airrosti. I had never heard of Airrosti, but I trusted the doctor and went to the appointment she set up with Airrosti. On December 29, 2022, while halfway through the Airrosti treatment, I lost consciousness and was rushed to the ER. The doctors in the ER thought I was having a stroke, but that was ruled out. I was in the hospital for three days, I lost the ability to speak clearly, and I was in the most excruciating pain I have ever been in in my entire life. Since then I have been diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I have been told that I will probably live with this pain for the rest of my life.

The first time the doctor told me that I would live with this pain for the rest of my life, I was in shock. I am only 43. All my grandparents lived to be about 81. The thought of having to live in pain for 40 more years is daunting. The thought of not being able to drive, walk, run, do all the normal things I used to could do was overwhelming. There are days that I still can’t wrap my head around it. Some days I wake up, swing my legs over the bed, put my feet on the floor, and stand expecting not to feel pain, expecting everything to be normal, but it isn’t normal. CRPS is known as the suicide disease, and I know why. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I don’t know if I can go on, but GOD!

1 Peter 1:3 tells us, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,” I know that living hope. My Lord Jesus Christ has given me that hope. He has drawn me closer to Him. He has taught me to take it one day at a time. He has shown me that everyday that I am here on this earth is a blessing and is for a reason. That reason is to know Him more and to glorify Him in everything I do and say and to worship Him in all things. That is my purpose. I have to completely rely on Him and lean on Him for everything. I can’t get through this pain on my own. I have to turn to Him.

Oftentimes I audibly cry out to Him for help! I realize that I am so blessed because He has given me help in the form of my wonderful husband who loves me and holds my hand and helps me through every pain episode. God has also blessed me with an amazingly empathetic son, who is so sweet and caring and lightens my days! He has further blessed me with two caring parents who support me and my family. He has also blessed me with a wonderful Church family that has been praying for me and my family and bringing us comfort. And finally, God has blessed me with His Word, The Bible. In it He reveals Himself everyday and draws me closer to Him. God is with me. He is all around me. He is my Hope!

Even in Pain, I live with Hope!